Inarticulate
by plaidshirtjimkirk
Summary: Sometimes, he says the right things. Sometimes, he says the wrong things. Sometimes, he can't say what's really in his heart. Luckily, Kondo understands Hijikata all the time.


Written for the "I sleep better if you're around." prompt sent by sabinasan on tumblr.

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**.*Inarticulate*.**

In seiza at the center of the room, Kondo made quick work of rifling fingers through a small packed bag while remaining keenly aware of the disapproving eyes burning into him from behind. After inventory was taken, his lashes fell in kind with the slump of his shoulders and he exhaled, a breathy prelude to trying his hand at last minute diplomacy. "…I know."

"I didn't say anything." Those words may have been neutral on their own, but the tone with which they were delivered was most certainly not.

It was silly to presume the strained atmosphere looming from last night might dissolve without reason, though Kondo would sometimes allow himself an optimistic daydream or two. Alas, reality was reality; they'd shared the futons without sharing much of anything else, the Vice Commander bundled in his own covers and facing away with a reserved indignation that was anything but silent. In fact, Kondo doubted Hijikata even realized how loud his displeasure could resonate in the absence of spoken language, and if it wasn't the source of snap-impending tension at present, it might've been impressive.

The much ado about nothing, the aloofness through being clearly affected, the appearance of calm on the outside at odds with the in: all of these components harmonized into a classic _Toshi-is-upset_ tune that Kondo would need to gracefully dance his way about. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on the viewpoint), it wasn't the first he'd heard this song over the years, and by now he liked to think he more-or-less knew the steps.

An old adage touted that one should never go to sleep upset, otherwise dawn would crack a crimson morning. And since Hijikata had put himself to bed while Kondo discussed trip plans with Sannan, a legitimate attempt to soothe his persistent ire needed to happen prior to the fast-approaching farewell. Battlefield red painted a proverbial sky; if irascibility could stew this much in just a few hours, the consequence of it continuing to do so for days was an unthinkable situation.

Thus, fingertips braced against the tatami and Kondo rose with a pivot to face his plaintiff directly. The display awaiting him matched his expectations sans failure—Hijikata standing stiff with crossed arms, his mouth not exactly pulled into a frown but the corners indeed drooping. He stood dark and brooding before the gentle glow of morning sunlit shoji, so out of place surrounded by this aura and yet so _himself_ that Kondo could barely prevent a fond twitching of his own lips at the sight.

Apologetic glances rife with sincerity conjured an effective antidote against quarrelsome intentions, and that remedy was one Hijikata knew damn well he possessed a weakness to. It was evident especially now, with the averting of his eyes as Kondo approached. He was a stubborn one, this man, but perseverance was a trait they both possessed, for better or worse.

"Toshi…" The name fell in a pleading half-whisper, warm hands cupping lean biceps and thumbs rubbing little circles into purple fabric. "Come on, I don't want to leave with you angry at me."

Finely manicured brows raised with the sarcasm in the room. "Then don't."

"Hey." Lifting his hand to the side of Hijikata's jaw, Kondo attempted—and failed—to coax him into turning his face. He exhaled and relented, trading the silver-tongue for candor. "Please, let me try doing things my way for once, okay?"

At that, their gazes finally met. "I don't know what you want my approval so badly for. You're not interested in what I think anyway." Oh, the _petulance_.

"You know that's not true," Kondo insisted.

"No? I already told you I don't agree with your plan, so you tell me."

"Is that…_my_ plan, or do you mean his?"

"Tch. This conversation's over." Hijikata made an abrupt turn for the door, but a hand latched carefully to his elbow to keep him in place. He peered at it and then cast a glare over his shoulder.

"Toshi, the ice is already so thin. We both know that." Kondo offered a forlorn shrug and small shake of the head. "With Aizu, with…Serizawa-san and his followers, and—"

"_Obviously_!" Hijikata snapped and jolted himself free, whirling to meet him at full attention. "That's why going on some misguided Ronin-hunting trip is completely asinine! The Mimawarigumi's already pissed that we even breathe in our own territory and now we're gonna just barge our asses into Osaka without leads? If we had something to go on, then fine but we don't. It doesn't make any damn sense."

Kondo understood, really understood, the logic of Hijikata's argument because it was comprised of viewpoints he shared in full himself. There was rationality to his own thinking as well, however. "You're completely right in that regard."

"_So right_ that the second Serizawa tosses the plan out, you're on board, huh…"

"Toshi, we need to unite this group before it completely rips apart at the seams. That's all I'm trying to do here." Stepping back to give space, Kondo refused to take the argumentative bait and instead folded his arms with a pensive glance to the floor. "Look, every time he proposes something to us, we challenge him."

Hijikata laughed beneath his breath. "I wonder why."

"Of course. Again, you're right. And in the end, it doesn't make a difference what we say to him because he just goes and does whatever he wants." With a quick lick of the lips, Kondo's arms slipped away from each other and he once more sought the eyes still pinned to him. "Don't misunderstand me. I agreed to his idea for this trip because I want to attempt building some semblance of rapport, not because I think our patrols here are useless."

"He really _did_ say that," came the interjection, but it went ignored in favor of staying on topic.

"Bridging the huge gaps between us is the only clear path forward that I can see for our livelihood in the long run. Otherwise…"_ There won't be a group at all_, Kondo chose not to add but he knew the message was understood. With another shake of the head, he pressed on. "Anyway, you're always telling me that I'm the leader and how I need to put Serizawa-san in his place. Any time I start taking the reins though, it's never the right step forward. So, I don't know, Toshi, maybe the real question here is if I'm actually the right one for this job or not."

There was a clear shift in Hijikata's expression then, the harshness in his demeanor morphing into surprise and then finally beginning to soften at the edges. "Kat-chan, that's not fair."

"It's not?" Kondo's palms opened at his sides and raised a touch. "Am I missing something, then?"

A strained noise came deep from the back of Hijikata's throat and he glanced off to the left before sighing. "I just don't like the idea of you going off with him for some shot-in-the-dark reason. He's got an instinctive talent for getting us into the shittiest situations and it's never _his_ name that takes the damage."

"I know. That's why I'm taking so many of the guys with me. I can count on all of them, Souji especially." Kondo's chin fell in a nod. "Between all of us, I'm confident we can keep him in check."

"All right." A contemplative beat. "Let's be clear about something, though. _Serizawa's_ the one I don't trust, not you."

"Toshi, I know. I don't trust him either. And clearly, he's of the same opinion when it comes to us. We need to start somewhere to fix this mess, though, so…" Rubbing the side of his neck, Kondo pursed his lips. "I'm sorry you think I'm ignoring your judgement or that I don't want your input. I do. I'm just…trying my best to do what I feel is right. But if you really think we shouldn't go, then—"

"It's not—" Another inarticulate sound followed and Hijikata's head cocked while his lashes fell for a beat. "Kat-chan, it's not that."

And that was all he needed to say.

Kondo closed the space which separated them and pulled Hijikata into readily accepted arms. They remained like that for several moments, entwined in another thoughtful quietude before Kondo nuzzled and mumbled into dark hair, "I'm not comfortable with this either. I want you with me." He drew back only far enough to allow their eyes to meet. "I need to take Sannan-kun for the sake of Niimi-san's support, though."

"Aa, you don't have to tell me."

"I know, but I wanted to. Actually, I wanted to say all of this last night, but when I came back to find you already in bed, well…" Hijikata's mouth parted at that, but Kondo just smiled and brushed long bangs behind an ear. "It's all right. It's in the past now."

Their lips met in a kiss all too sweet and much too short. Upon its breaking, Kondo unfastened the clasp at the front of his haori and let it slip from his frame. "It's been a…really, _really_ long time since we've been apart."

"Yeah…" Hijikata agreed while the garment swooshed about him and settled on his shoulders. "You're not wearing—?"

"I'll put on another. This one stays with you." Kondo turned to retrieve the piece in question while he continued, "Hang it up or fold it, if you want. It's just…personally, I know that I sleep better if you're around, so…"

It was endearing that they'd been together for so many years by this point and Hijikata still had the urge to avert his eyes at overt displays of affection. "…Right. Yeah, uh." He slid the haori off. "Let's hang it, then."

Kondo grinned warmly. "Sure."

And hung it was.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Between the Yagi and Maekawa residences, the troop formed and departed. Saito and Nagakura took point with Okita and Inoue in the flanks and Shimada and Yamazaki at the rear; protected by their blades were swordsmen who needed no escort—Kondo and Sannan, Serizawa and Hirama—and yet Hijikata breathed easier at the presence of such a large accompanying guard.

He watched until the group reached the corner, his eyes catching golden ones wandering back to his. Kondo nodded once, his lips twitching, and then they all were gone.

After a quick dispatch of orders to Toudo, that had inexplicably turned into a heart-to-heart confidence boost for the younger man, Hijikata drifted his way back inside with intent to finish drafting the monthly report. It was a lie he almost believed. His hand pushed the shoji along the track and he paused in the entrance.

Late spring brought mornings of sunshine and warmth that crept slowly upward until afternoon, yet…the door closed again when Hijikata stepped inside. He walked with purpose to the haori hanging neatly, took the garment in his hands, and brought it to his face with a deep inhale.

Poetry could flow with ease from his brush to writing paper, but when it came to actually speaking what was buried deep within his heart...that was an entirely different thing.

Nosing the fabric, Hijikata mentally filed through all the things he'd wanted to say, all the things Kondo had probably needed to hear.

_I believe in you. I don't want you to go. I'm going to fucking kill him if something happens to you. I know you're the right one to lead us, because you were born for it. The next three days are gonna suck and I don't know if I can sleep well without you either. I hope this plan works out and the next, because each is one step closer to you becoming a daimyo._

_...I wish I could tell you how much I want to make up for last night, for everything I was unable to articulate._

_But most importantly of all..._

"Come back safely, Kat-chan," Hijikata whispered and breathed in the scent he loved most once more.

...And in the middle of a dirt road less traveled, Kondo suddenly felt the urge to smile.

Okita peered over at him with amusement. "Kondo-san?"

"Just a passing thought, Souji," he replied and cast his gaze toward a cloudless blue sky.

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Thank you for reading!


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